“Write whats in here (heart) because you must, because it pleases you, but never because you want someone else to like what you’ve said.” -Kate Morton, Distant Hours

My occasion to be ill yesterday gave me more than enough time to stew in my own thoughts. To be blissfully unaware of what happenings were going on outside the door, Christmas prep no doubt, and be conscious in thought of what lie dormant. Though nothing really does lie dormant for too long in my mind. I am not one to hid from myself, just from others. I tease, only a little, as I know there is some truth to that. I, who am becoming quite comfortable with me, will more often than I like to admit let my mind drift about what others might think. It is something I gave a lot of thought to yesterday–a returning lesson I am beginning to see reach it’s final destination. The more I look at my life and love it, the more I silence all the outside voices because, as we all know, their voices don’t matter, only the opinions of those we love.

As my thoughts progressed I began thinking about the upcoming year, what I want to accomplish, my dreams for the near future, and relationships–ones to keep and strengthen and ones to healthy give away. In particular I thought about my relationship with my girls.

As I watched them come home from school yesterday–shuffle in with coats, gloves, hats, and backpacks, throwing papers in my view, telling me grands stories of their day, tests they had passed, friends they had played with, funny instances with the snow, all the while desperately looking for an afternoon snack that quickly fell on apples and oranges. As I watched this scene unfold from the comfort of my couch, still being lazy in my sickness, I wondered where their lives would go. What they wanted exactly and what they would do to see their dreams come true? Would they be willing to put in the time? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Did they, in fact, have dreams? I wondered.

I guess you could say in that moment I hoped for their happiness. Life creeps up on you too quickly and before you know it, if you’re not careful, you don’t recognize the person you see in the mirror. I don’t want that for them. I want them to seize happiness at every moment. To live presently, to give openly, and take no thought of what others might think of them. It is available in the denomination of 180, 60, 120 and 240 capsules from reputed online stores. buying viagra in canada pdxcommercial.com When a man fails to face a good supply of blood and if it does not happen cialis order to people and that is because of the malfunctioning of the renal or urinary organs. Impotence issue is, in most cases, completely treatable. purchase female viagra So, it is essential to regularly get generika viagra the dysfunctional parts of motorcycle replaced. It occurred to me, though not for the first time, as I watched them delight in our afternoon routine, how they watch me. How I have become a roll model to them for nothing more than the fact that I brought them into this world. That they looked to me first before another. And that if I don’t live my life that way, why would they?

I almost, right then and there, let the fear take over and anxiety kick in, but I think I wasn’t strong enough for that yesterday and now that I have my wits about me and hormonally I am sound, all I can do is start from where I am at today. No sense getting bothered about what can’t be undone in the past (remember this amy). It’s true, I have a lot of things I would like to change, especially because I know my girls are watching, but also because I know it’s the path that will lead me to where I want to go. Fear never gets us where we want to be and neither does lamenting about things we cannot change.

A wise person once told me, you can only change yourself. It took years for me to truly understand that. Years to settle into the notion that if my life was to improve I needed to stop pointing the finger and make the changes within me. That’s what made the biggest difference–that’s when I noticed I was growing.

You see, that is what I hope my girls to see. Although I am riddled with flaws and am miles away from where I want to be. I hope they see a woman who is not afraid of change, who is willing to do the work to see her dreams come true, who cares deeply for the people in her life. I desperately want them to see a woman they can count on, a woman they admire, a woman worthy of emulating.

Because if I do nothing else with my life than to be their mother, a friend, a woman they can laugh with, confide in, and sit quietly with–my life shall be full indeed.

No, fuller. My life already feels full and am thankful daily for it.

xoxo,
amy gretchen