Words for Everything was the title he gave his book and the last thing I read before my thoughts took over and my eyes closed.

That was this morning after I got my kids off to school and the thought of getting out of bed was just a bit too much for me. With Megan watching her show I got back in bed and continued where I’d left off yesterday in the book while at Bella’s eye doctor appointment. I’m loving History of Love and would recommend it to anyone, even though I’m only on page 20 or so. I’m thoroughly enjoying the writing and the character, I feel he is someone I would like to know, and then I realize I’m surrounded by that generation and wonder what interesting lives my neighbors would have to share if only I befriended them. Perhaps I could know someone like him.

I told Adam to read the first page last night while I was making a fabulous fall dinner, homemade chicken noodle soup. He liked it so much I fear him taking if from me like he did to Lori so many years ago, he stole her book and by the time she got it back she had moved on to other things and never picked it up again, and yet, I would let him and understand if somehow the book went missing.

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I am rambling. I know. Honestly, I don’t think I have a point. Just letting my mind wander and let it go where it will. Perhaps not the best thing for a blog entry, but then again, it is my blog entry…can’t I ramble without a point? And yet, I know I can. And I will. I contemplate whether or not to turn off my comments because really what is there to comment about? But I won’t. What if there is someone that wants to say hi for the first time or others that actually enjoy where this post is going. Ha, unlikely. So my curiosity will keep it up for good or bad.

Somewhere in the first 20 pages he, Leo, declares a random victory over anger (yes I’m back on History of Love). Instantly I felt connected to him. I admire anyone who realizes what needs to be changed or dealt with in their life and just does it. It is a process, a long process, but it can be done. I know there are people out there that think my RDV’s (Random Declaration of Victory) are in fact not victories at all because I haven’t gotten over them. For instance death. My death issues that have plagued my life since the time I was 16. I knew it couldn’t go on, knew I was living a half life allowing that fear to exist, so I let it go. This was a big deal for me and a very hard thing to say goodbye to, as weird as it sounds, it sort of comforted me in a way. It allowed me to live a half life and sometimes that is desirable when you think your full efforts won’t be good enough. I believe sometimes we hold onto things to make life easier, not because we can’t let it go. Anything is possible with the Lord’s help. I know. So I can read and watch and even talk about death and know it is a part of life. Wasn’t it said once that death is our destiny? I think so because I remember being really freaked out by it. So even though I claim victorious and have started to live fully without the fear of it, I do fear, and I think this is where I am misunderstood. I don’t fear death itself, I fear experiencing it again. It is a pain I never want to have to got through again as it rocked my soul to it’s very core and felt a way I didn’t know you could feel. Even with all that I know about the after life and being with our loved ones forever, you still miss. It still changes your life. And I know it will touch my life again at some point, I know it will hurt and suck, and I know life will continue on the way it does, except for me, I will be changed again. And I’m ok with that because it’s my journey and to me that is victorious.

Wow, ok that I was not expecting, which I kind of like. It’s therapeutic in a way to just let your mind go. I think I have reached my limit, or maybe it’s just that I want to spare you, I sense I could go on for hours. I seem to be in a writing mood this morning. An exploration of self mood. Plus, Megan is now entertaining me with a cup of almost gone water and a straw…the noise is not recommended.

I am really liking today. It’s a good happy reflective fall day.

enjoy,
amy