There we were, eating Sunday dinner a couple weeks ago when it hit me, sitting at the table with me was just my parents and siblings. It was strange the way it all work out. For the first 11 days of my sister’s visit it was just my parents, my sister and brother, our kids, and of course me. Jeni’s husband Scott was at scout camp/work so he didn’t drive down with her. Chris’ wife Amy was home with their new baby helping her to stay sick free, and my Adam hurt his back and was home out of commission. It was something that hadn’t happened in years.

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When I first realized it was just us the small feeling I carry with me, every holiday, every time my family gets together became overpowering. It’s a feeling I am much to familiar with, but still not at all comfortable facing. The overwhelming feeling of incompleteness that has been with me for the past coming on 15 years next week. The constant void. It’s thick. Dense. To the point where I feel I can almost reach out and touch it. How badly I would love to push it aside, but I hold it close as not to loose it.

A few days ago when I thought about it again I realized why most of the time my sister was in town I had been haunted once again with the question about adding to my family. I’m chasing to fill that emptiness I have. Somehow I think if my family was bigger I wouldn’t be as affected by these feelings. I am smart enough to know that is impossible mostly because I don’t want to let it go. As unhealthy as that sounds to the Psychologists out there, I would rather hold on than forget.

So I embrace it. Thank God each day that I have it. And live to remember what I had and what I will one day have again.