I come to you now putting it all out there on the table for you to see the insecure vulnerable woman I am. If you were reading my journal this would be the voice you would hear. I must admit, this is hard for me to do as the multiple drafts to this post will attest to. I have tried writing this for several weeks now, to allow myself to heal, but each time I find myself clicking on the “save now” button and starting over with something less meaningful.
I want to apologize for the randomness of this post, but for me it has not come out of the blue. It’s how I’ve been feeling for a while now (I’ve been trying to drown it out with talk radio) and it’s time to let it go or I may lose just what it is I love about blogging. So I write today out of necessity. Write what? I’m sure you’re thinking. Write from the heart I guess. Putting myself out there to reclaim what it is I’ve lost. You see I just can’t keep up the facade anymore. I got hurt by a fellow blogger a few weeks back and I admit she (I’m assuming it’s a she) broke my blogging spirit. As much as I want to deny that I’m above women’s pettiness it obviously affected me. As I look back on my blog these last few weeks there is a huge difference in my posts and I can see now what it is…I’m missing. This is obligatory soft viagra as the medicine takes time to mix up with the blood and react according to it. It suggests that when lightning is within 15 miles of a venue, an evacuation of the facility should begin if it appears the thunderstorm is moving in. cialis 5mg price Reduced levels of testosterone also lead to bone cipla generic cialis fractures and type-2 diabetes. Individuals, who are seeking how to build muscles, may use FitOFat capsules along generico levitra on line with the above nutrients to get optimum results. I guess you could say I’m trying to protect myself so I’ve taken me out of the equation and have still attempted to document life. As evidence to this post (my feeling the need to write this) I’ve obviously done a poor job of it because I can see right through to the emptiness. Ok, not all of my posts since then have been without me…if you look, if you look hard, I am trying to reach out I just don’t know how.
So in recent weeks I’ve had an on going debate, if I can’t be me on my blog why am I doing it? It’s certainly not worth all the time I put into it to come here years from now and reread an unoccupied blog. Yes, I’ve thought seriously about pulling the plug and walking away. Haven’t you? I’m not sure my intention would have been forever, I mean I really love blogging, but I don’t know that one can truly come back, in the blog world, from such a long sabbatical. And since the thought of that really scares me I’ve continued on in an attempt to find a way to get back what I had.
Last week I proclaimed a RDV (random declaration of victory) and told myself I was done feeling this way, I had taken a beating, but I can rise above, I can live without another thought of it, but the lie I was telling myself obviously didn’t work because I am here, writing, attempting to deal with my feelings so they can stop haunting me. And you know it’s working. For some strange reason I feel I can be honest, vulnerable, like I haven’t in a long time, and be ok with what you might think. This blog, my words, is exactly that…mine. It’s about my life, my heartache, my happiness and it’s time I put the me back in the equation.
It’s funny I suddenly feel like I’m naked and I don’t know how to put my clothes back on, so I’ll end with this…I am rising above, recognizing all the goodness that is around me and in turn I feel the blogging me resurfacing. So I guess all that’s left to say is thank you. Thank you for helping me find my safe place again and letting me be vulnerable.
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