I just got done with a 30 minute ride home, alone, left to my thoughts (coming home from book club). Often it’s a review of the night…did I offend anyone? Did I talk too much? You know all the insecurities I shouldn’t have, but I do (it just seems to be my drive home ritual). I feel like I need to explain a bit more…I don’t get offended easily, especially in situations like book club where so many people are talking and voicing their opinion, but I often feel I have a very strong opinion that I give too freely. Couple that with my blurting problem and I feel it can be a disaster for offending. So I’m always working on it, you know just to keep myself in check, so please know my fellow bookclubers, I have never once been offended and I’ve always enjoyed our conversations.

Anyway, tonight was different. Instead, I kept thinking about our discussion about journals. You know the burning question whether you would be mortified if someone got a hold of your journals and whether or not it’s best hiding place would be a fiery furnace? I’ve thought of this many times and wondered the fate of my own journals. Honestly, I don’t know that I would want them read.

This has always been my impression…until tonight. I came home in search of all my journals I could find. I found one from 1983 with very little entries, but with multiple drawings. I found some from junior high where I’m pretty dramatic and each entry is dedicated to a different boy and why he didn’t like me. I didn’t have much from high school which is probably a blessing more than anything, though I would give anything to read what my high school self had to say. I found entries from college, while I dated Adam, two books full of my time in Jerusalem, and entries from my early years of marriage. These stores supply world class medication at the much that link pharmacy cialis affordable prices. Treatment of this sleeping issue is essential else it can lead to hypertension, irregular viagra online heartbeat, stroke and heart attacks! The body loses water content and sodium that act as natural stimulants for sex drive #2. When these order cheap viagra natural pills are taken regularly, it cures the disease by the same way and same dose of same benefit with lowest cost. Kamagra works by blocking the action of the human to make sure viagra uk that the body releases a powerful chemical called nitric oxide. It pretty much dies out from there until about 2005 when I started blogging.

I must admit I’m surprised (or not surprised at all) with the content I found hidden in each pages. Many of my entries say some of the exact same things I post about now. Seriously. Seriously, haven’t I progressed? Of course many things have changed, I certainly have a better marriage now then I did 11 years ago, but it appears that the stuff I struggled with then are still on my mind today. It bothered me at first to think I’ve moved so little in so many years, but what I realize is this is me, always full of thoughts, questions, trying to figure things out, wanting to be better. Let’s face it nothing has changed and why would they? I know changing really is something that can only be achieved little by little after a life time of experiences.

Ok so I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. I really shouldn’t be posting at 1:50 in the morning, it’s often these posts that I fear and love the most. I’m sure my randomness isn’t enjoyed by all….so I’ll get to the point. I guess what I’m trying to say is we can learn a lot about us and life through our journals. Even though I’ve thought plenty of times my words from years past ought not to be remembered, I just proved to myself tonight (this morning) that my voice has a place. Yes, perhaps under lock and key for my eyes only, but certainly not a fiery fate. I need to be better at searching through them more often.

good night…it’s 2:15am and I’m not tired at all. Yikes.