I sat down to read some blogs and the first few I visited, Jill’s post about being comfortable with who we are and Crystalyn’s post about being a happiness maker, really got me thinking about my life, this past year, and what I’ve been striving for. To be honest I think about this stuff all the time and actually talk about it with Adam a lot. I’m desperate to find the key to being completely happy all the time. Though I think that’s a bit crazy, everyone has bad days, but I’m determine to make my life mine and stop wasting this beautiful gift that is life.

I’m, on a whole, a negative person or I should say I tend to see life in a negative light. I believe I have always been this way, but to tell you the truth I have no idea when my thoughts drifted. It’s nothing I’m proud of, but the fact still remains the same. I realize the effect it has on me and those that are around me is very damaging. For years I have been desperate to change it, but have found it to be quite a difficult task. Almost to the point where I’ve felt it to be an impossible feat. I’ve definitely given up a few times and have, as a result, found myself in a very lonely place. Once again as I began my journey I was determined to make it right, though I knew it was far beyond what I was capable of and I couldn’t do it alone. In searching for the right way to overcome my tendencies I came across some very powerful realizations about myself.

Being sad…this sad place I find myself frequently has become very comforting. To the point where I was afraid to let it go. I know that sounds very strange, but when something has been with you for so long it’s hard to imagine life without it. I mean really why would I want to be uncomfortable. Silly me, that is what this life is about. Happiness isn’t something that is given to us, it’s something we attain. It’s something we work for everyday of our life. It’s uncomfortable. It pushes us to be all we can. It meant everything in the world to me once I realized what I wanted was in my control. I have the power to make my life what I desire. A few weeks ago Michelle quoted from the book “She”, which I ordered and still never received, “She designed a life she loved.” It struck me so deeply, but so did the word’s Heidi Swapp wrote about the quote:

To me, this statement is about choices. It doesn’t say anything about her circumstances, her strengths or weaknesses. It doesn’t mention her challenges or her triumphs — only the fact that she made a decision. That her life was HERs and she knew that it was too precious, too short and too wonderful not to LOVE.

I just kept saying to myself. “That’s it. It’s all up to me and me alone.” Sounds simple, doesn’t it? I believe the answers always are, it’s the execution that becomes difficult. In Jill’s Saturday post she gave the perfect quote to explain what I mean,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. ..” –marianne williamson

Once we find out what we are capable of it becomes harder and harder to sit idly by as life goes on without us; however, sometimes we do laze about and that’s when we wished we never knew our potential. Ok, some of you may not feel this way, but I can totally relate. It’s easier not to expect anything from myself. That’s one of the reasons why I find being a SAHM (stay at home mom) difficult. There is no one evaluating you or making you responsible for your day/time. Again, it’s up to me.

I have been amazed what going out of my comfort zone really feels like….awkward, uneasy, but always always rewarding in the end. Nothing in life comes without effort. NOTHING! That knowledge alone has given me so much hope and power and to be completely honest fear, because in the end I am responsible for the life I created. Man I have regretted a lot of things in my day, but I am determined not to regret my life. Truly it is a gift.

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